Domestic Violence and Children

What many women do not recognise is the effects of domestic violence on the children in the family. Even where the woman has tried to ensure that the children are not aware of the levels of violence or disharmony in her marital or co-habiting relationship, the children are affected.

Children will respond to domestic violence in different ways. Some children will be quiet, clingy or withdrawn, others will react by emulating the behaviour, becoming aggressive and loud, bullying and being disruptive.

Where children have been protected from the violence they will find it difficult to come to terms with their mother's need to escape from the situation. Women are caught between a rock and a hard place, they don't want to turn their children against their fathers, nor want them to develop a negative identification with their other parent.

Children need an explanation of what is happening, this needs to be age and ability appropriate. Firstly they need to understand that it is wrong to use violence, aggression, threats or bullying to get what you want. It is wrong to hit people. That their father was wrong to hit or abuse their mother. Not that he is a bad person but that his behaviour was wrong.

Most importantly, when the mother is to continue to be the primary carer, they need to understand that it is not their mother's fault that their father was violent. They need to know that their mother and other carers consider them to be important.

When a woman moves out of a violent relationship the whole family network may change, often there are financial and accommodation problems, this may also entail changing school, moving away from the familiar. Children will resent some of these changes, however if they fully understand what is going on, are fully involved in the changes it will be easier for them to accept.

While it is important to explain to children what is happening it is not necessarily good for children to hear all the details of the abuse. Its important to for the woman to talk through these details in a safe environment out of ear shot of the children.

Some children will have been directly involved in the abuse, witnessing it or intervening in it. In some cases the children will have been manipulated into participating in the abuse, and believing that their mother deserves to be treated badly. They may see the physical damage, bruising or broken limbs. They may overhear the sounds of the violence being perpetrated. Living in an atmosphere of violence, tension and fear will undoubtedly damage children. Children's sense of helplessness will be heightened if they see the person they depend on for protection being beaten and humiliated.

It is crucial to recognise their feelings, whether it be fear, upset, anger, disgust, anxiety, disappointment, loss, lonliness etc etc. Let them know that other children in the same situation feel the same. That it is OK to be scared, upset, angry, get them to name their feelings, to own them and to express them. They will act out their feelings, but with adequate reassurance, with acceptance and encouragement they will renew their resilience.

It will take patience as the children unlearn the behaviours of a violent, bullying or aggressive home life.......... but they will and they will move on to a peaceful and co-operative lifestyle if they are given the opportunity to express themselves and heal.

Polysexuality

Polysexuality:
Juliet Mitchell's book 'Feminism and Psychoanalysis' draws feminists back to a re-reading of Freud. His work had been largely discredited by the wave of radical feminism which swept the boards in the 1980s. They argued that Freud had covered up incestuous abuse in order to protect respectable middle class Austrian families, that his theory was phallocentric, leaving women with 'a lack' (of the penis) and thereby suffering from penis envy.

What Mitchell asks us to do is to read Freud again and realize that his theories of the unconscious have been built upon by many leading psychoanalysts, Jones, Horney,et al. Melanie Klein's Objects Relations Theory, where the breast and not the penis is the arbiter of power, all built on Freud's psychoanalytic theory.

Mitchell talks of reading tradition against the grain in order to overcome the power imbalance between men and women, firstly by understanding its essence and thereby transcending its impact. She notes Lacan's work. Lacan theorizes that in language and knowledge that' phallus is the privileged signifier'. Also using psychoanalytic tools Lacan focuses on how the male predominates discourses. Obviously we know that women were not even allowed to attend Universities or take higher academic posts until the recent past, the language of poetry and cultural expression was the domain of the male. Lacan and Foucault both reach beyond traditional psychoanalytical discourses to theories on sexuality and gender.

Freud popularly theorized that the human is innately bisexual, he went further postulating that the infants sexual drives are not essentially gender lead at all, that all infants are polymorphously perverse. By this he meant that the infant would respond to stimuli from a multitude of sources.

Obviously at the oedipal stage the infants fall into line with their gender identity and sexuality following the example of their parents. However he has left us with an interesting take on sexuality per se. Sexuality is not related to gender, that once we extrapolate sexuality from male or female that we are left with a human who is capable of responding to a range of stimuli. The polysexual self. There is no otherness in this, gay or straight, mid way bisexual, these labels are dispensed with if we recognize that each human being has their own unique way of living out their sexual life, 'poly' as in many forms of sexuality - polysexuality.

rape

Our local rape crisis centre is advertising for a therapist. Its a nervous time. Will they find someone willing to take on such demanding work?

For those on the waiting list it is all the more intriguing.

Waiting for a special someone who can take the strain of listening, hour upon hour,to undiluted pain.

We are all different. Some people have resources enough to bounce back. Some take it on the chin...........so to speak. For very many, recovery is a much slower process. It can depend on a mindset, your values, your self belief. It can depend on your sensitivity to a range of stimuli which reinforce the idea that rape is acceptable.

One woman recounts how her father, in his 80s, recently said, 'well, you didn't mind being raped by them other fellows you were with', he was saying out loud what many others believe. That rape is only about sex.

He was saying that the absolute violence and violation of rape is no different to a woman experiencing her own sensual and sexual pleasure. The 'whore' scenario. Once defiled in any way, the madonna deserves anything she gets. Why else do they concentrate so hard on a woman's sexual history when she takes the matter to court?

For many people the ongoing trauma of childhood sexual abuse manifests itself in drugs, drink, gambling, violence, myraid addictions and maladjustments to adult norms. The earlier the negative sexual experience the harder it is to overcome. For some, we are all different.

The daily stuggle to survive with constant triggers and reminders. the nightmares, the flashbacks, the silencing by 'respectable society' , force many into islolation, fear, phobia and depression. Anxiety becomes a constant companion, hypervigiliance the norm. Nothing is ever the same again.

To have been raped is to have suffered a fundamental loss, the loss of a sense of self. Loss of trust, loss of hope, loss of joy. In its place is fear, fear that it will happen again, fear that the mind will never recover.............which it won't without the listening ear of our therapuetic friend.

I do hope that they find someone soon for our small town, for your small village, for the girl in the next block, because it is essential to survival. it makes the difference between feeling suicidal and actually dying.

Bank Hoidays

Here we are with an extra day off, a chance to catch up on jobs about the house and garden, the car or retail theraphy.............time with our loved ones. What about those who have no loved ones. Those stuck in unhappy d omestic circumstances, those parenting alone who are craving for adult conversation, those old and lonely, carers nursing those mentally and physically absent? For many people bank holidays are an additonal burden, another reminder of how empty life is for the truely alone.

I always notice an upsurge in calls from single women friends when its a bank holiday weekend. Everyone desperately searching for small comforts in an otherwise empty world.

We really do need to get our act together to improve the social scene for older women.

celtic tiger blues

Irish Economy - Post Celtic Tiger

So what now, for post boom Ireland.

The manufacturing industry is relocating to Eastern Europe, the economic boom based on the constuction industy is over with the collapse of the property markets, unemployment is climbing steadily, EEC investment is going elsewhere, can it get any worse?

Well yes it could get worse, we could continue to have one of the highest levels of separation between rich and poor, become a slave society with gated cities defining who is 'in' and who is out. Something akin to South Africa, during aparthied. Except now the aparthied would be between the educated middle classes and the not working poor.

As Ireland begins to focus on finance sector work, Fund Management has become the new key word. Those in the know, the economists and venture capitalists are reeving up to the next boom in 'finance'.

In the mean time real wages are dropping,fast. Unemployment amongst the countries men folk, around one quarter of those newly registered as unemployed are from the construction sector, who are unlikely to have skills to move into Funds Management.

The Health Service is in total crisis with MRSA and other infections spreading in hospitals. The HSE froze all recruitment for 6 months in the last year. The Health Service Executive are now employing 'agency staff only' which means that they are paying twice the price per employee, whilst the employee has a 3 month contract, no benefits, such as sick pay, and overall the only ones who benefit from this strategy are the private sector agencies recruiting the staff.

So Ireland has grasped free market economics with zeal, the pay offs were there, fleetingly. for some. For the 800,000 long term unemployed very little changed in Celtic Tiger Ireland, for the newly unemployed the drop is painful, from 3500 a week as a bricklayer in Dublin last year to 200 social welfare.

As the emigrant ships turn in the quay, already over laden with Polish and eastern european migrant workers returning home to newly booming economies, Ireland prepares to weep. 'Richest country in Europe?' I think not, or not for long at all, a week maybe.

girlfriends

www.girlfriendsmag.com/cover.html

lady list

Welcome to The Lady List!
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From nights out to social groups happening around the country,
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lesbian site

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the lady list

RAG
are organising a feminist gathering to take place on the Mayday bank
holiday weekend in a rural setting in Leitrim. There will be workshops,
discussions, skill-sharing, music and fun.

Feminists of all
persuasions (and all genders!) are welcome to attend. Bring your
enthusiasm and ideas. We also hope to make the gathering an inclusive
space for children.

Costs will be kept to a minimum. Accomodation is camping, though we will help those with any special accomodation needs.

If you wish to attend, join the organising list asap to guarantee your space:

Send a blank email to: feministgathering-subscribe@yahoogroups.co.uk

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Any problems with that, or any questions before subscribing, just email us here ragdublin@riseup.net

Please forward this msg to anyone you think might be interested.

Solidarity
RAG

Health Service Workers

So the Health Service in Ireland froze all recruitment for 6 months...................now it is employing agency staff on short term contracts. The services suffer from a constant staff changeover, the staff suffer from lack of job security and no basic benefits like sick pay...........the only ones really benefiting are the private sector employment agencies placing the staff with the HSE.

The agencies make double the workers salary. Many are based in the UK or are multi nationals like Berresford Blake Thomas.

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